Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Sorry is just a word

I'm sorry for SOME of the things I did
I'm sorry for SOME of the things I said
Only because they hurt you, which is not what was intended

I'm NOT sorry for the way I feel
I'm NOT sorry that I care
Because I do not regret my feelings.

I'm sorry that I couldn't be whatever it is you wanted.
I'm NOT sorry that I won't change who I am

You live, you learn, you love, you lose, you move on.

We cannot live our lives based on the past, but based on the now and the future. You learn from your mistakes, and grow accordingly. I have grown alot in the past few years, possibly more than most, and through all of those growing pains, Ive learned this. You can only trust others once you trust yourself. If you have no faith in yourself, you can accomplish nothing.

I have faith in myself, and thats why I am able to keep moving forward, despite setbacks I may encounter. I have three jobs, two of which are huge opportunities to move me forward in journalism, I enjoy what I do for a living, and I look forward to doing it every day, I will soon have my own apartment, and I have a great family and great friends.

I want for little in this life, but I have learned that to get what you want, you don't have to change who you are to get it. I have spent too much time molding myself to others, instead of finding someone who fits me how I am. It's time for me to set myself and my ways, and let someone fit the puzzle piece instead of fitting the puzzle to them.

So sorry is just a word to me. Yes it means something, but not as much as actions and feelings do. Sorry implies regret, which I never do. Everything happens for a reason, and for some reason things happen. We must deal with them, learn, and move on. That's life.

I am sorry for some things, but not in the way you think. I am only sorry that it affected you negatively, but not sorry I did them.

Oh and a small side note, I just want to let all of my friends and family know that without you, I am nothing. You have supported me through the worst of things and the best of things, and I can never thank you enough.

Not sorry for being me, just sorry you are gone.

Sunday, August 19, 2007

To no one in particular...

But to everyone who means/meant something to me who I never see...



Monday, August 13, 2007

Good news for once

Ok, so I just got the job as the reporter/photographer for the Bacone Football Team, which means I will get more scholarship money, and also I will be helping design and build the new Bacone Athletic Website, which will also give me more money. On top of that, I will be interning for the Muskogee Phoenix, and get paid for the stories I write and the pictures I take.

Alas, this will bring to end my time in Tulsa. I will be moving to Muskogee as soon as possible, and transferring to the Office Depot down there. I am really excited for these opportunities, because it will help me start my career in journalism off right.

See.... good things can happen!

Saturday, August 11, 2007

Musings of a broken person

Is it wrong to care more for others than you do yourself?

Is it bad to risk your heart and soul for others?

Is it right to always give everything you are for another?

I miss being happy.

I miss being in love.

I miss feeling like everything is right in the world.

I miss my whole, unbroken heart, and my unblemished soul

I miss my family

I miss my friends

I miss believing in something

I feel empty and broken

I feel ripped and torn

I miss you

I miss me

I miss everything

I miss everyone

I just want to be happy

Is that too much to ask?

I'm tired

I'm upset

I'm hurt

I'm disappointed

I want answers but all I get is silence

All I hear is the tortured voices in my head

I'm not looking for sympathy

I'm simply looking to let it out

I'm simply releasing the built up angst and hurt

And trying to move on

Thank you for reading

Thank you for caring

I'm going to go work on fixing myself now


Friday, August 10, 2007

A sad ending

It doesn't rhyme, but it doesn't have to. Enjoy.

It was great while it lasted
But it was gone too soon
You walked away and left me empty handed
You left without a word
Without looking back

I don't know why this happened
But I know its the way things are
I'm sorry for whatever it is I did
and hope you can forgive me

I wish the best for you
And will always remember you
What we had could have been great
But it wasn't to be

I hope you are happy
And I hope you aren't sad
I want you to know I think of you
And its never anything bad

I will remember the good times
No matter how brief they were
And I will forget the bad things
Because they are unimportant

So we are both moving on
I wish you the best
I hope its only goodbye for now
And not forever.

Thursday, August 9, 2007


Whose eyes am I behind
I don’t recognize anything that I see
Whose skin is this design
I don’t want this to be the way that you see me

I don’t understand anything anymore
In this world that I’m tired of
Is taking me right up these walls
That I climb up
To get to your story
It’s anything but ordinary

And when the world is on its knees with me its fine
And when I come to the rescue I get nothing but left behind
Everybody seems to be getting what they need where's mine
‘Cause your what I need so very but im anything but ordinary

Can you save me from this world of mine
Before I get myself arrested with this expectation
You are the one look what you’ve done
What have you done?
This is not some kind of joke
You’re just a kid
You weren’t ready for what you did

And when the world is on its knees with me its fine
And when I come to the rescue I do it for you time after time
Everybody seems to be getting what they need where's mine
‘Cause you what I need so very but im anything but ordinary

I think im trying to save the world from you
You’ve been saving me too
We could just stay in and save each other

Im anything but ordinary
Im anything but ordinary


Veritas is the Latin word for Truth.

Let's discuss.

I am a big believer in total honesty. Lets not be fools here though, I know better than to think I or anyone else for that matter is ALWAYS 100% honest. But that aside, I think that honesty is one of the highest virtues.

I will almost always be honest about something, regardless of the situation, and sometimes can be bluntly or brutally honest. It's just my nature. So is it bad I expect the same from others?

If you ask me something, then I will give you my honest answer. Yes it does get me in trouble, because often I tell people things they don't want to hear. Often I will say too much. I don't know any other way. I don't see the point in being false, fake, or disillusioning people. I believe everyone deserves the truth.

So if you ask me what I think about something or someone, expect the truth. If you ask how I feel about something or someone, expect the truth. If you ask my opinion, expect the truth. Don't ask me something, and expect me to bullshit you. It simply wont happen.

So if you hear words coming out of my mouth, or see things I write, then know it is true. If I tell you something, it is my honest truth. Some people choose to live their lives shrouded in lies and deceit, but I refuse.

Let us be honest and truthful... Do not hide things or say false things. Do not let your true feelings be hidden away. Trust me, it leads to the worst of things. I have a terrible need to trust... and it is really hard when I cannot trust someone. So make things easy for both of us... and be honest. Know I will always be honest with you... can you always be honest with me?

Veritas... it is a way of life.

Control Freak

I hate not being in control of myself, my feelings, or my actions. It happens very very rarely, but it usually happens all at once.

Usually I am very in control of myself. I know what I am doing, feeling, thinking and can pretty much keep myself in check.

Not today. Today's stress triggers set me off, and I was kinda out of control today. Nothing bad or damaging, just enough to piss me off.

Going back to school, dealing with my everyday hassles, and the thought of driving 50 miles everyday tweaked me today. Also going back to school and dealing with the endless bullshit there pushed me. Then me just being totally stupid today was the final straw.

So anyways I was just a weirdo today... I was up and down, hot and cold, back and forth, and there was simply nothing I could do about it. Outwardly, I'm sure very few people noticed, because I have been hiding my emotions and thought for far too long to not be good at it. I know some people saw it, or were involved in it directly. Very sorry to those who are in that group...

But yeah, I had my one day to be out of control. I had my one day of being a total mental case, but I'm ok now.

Stress is a bitch no?

Tuesday, August 7, 2007


Ever felt like you stepped off a cliff, you're heart is in your throat, and despite being scared, you can't help but be thrilled?

Yeah I'm falling at the moment. Not too fast, not too slow... just steadily falling into the unknown. While some may apply this to one thing or another, it isn't an exclusive thing. Alot of things are involved, and are collectively responsible for this venture into the unknown future.

I'm incredibly scared, worried, apprehensive, nervous, horrified, and petrified of what will happen.

Will I hit bottom?

Will I be saved?

Will I fall into a wonderful world?

Will I end up where I want? Will I change direction or meet some new plan?

Will I never stop?

I don't know the answers to this, but the more I think about the funny feeling in my chest, the breathlessness, I know that it has to end well. I hope to death it does. There is not much of my shattered heart, hopes, and dreams that remain to survive this fall if it ends badly.

So here I am falling away... waiting to find out where it will go. Waiting to know what will happen. Will someone join me or save me? Will I fall alone? I don't know... I will just have to wait for the answers.

And to YOU, and you know whom I mean.
Everything I told you is true, and honest from the bottom of my heart. I cannot and will not lie to you, and cannot and will not treat you in any way but the best I know how. I know you have been mistreated, and have thoughts and ideas of how this can end up, but you aren't alone. I share the same... and I will fight along side you to beat those things down, and to let things be fresh and new, and not be judged by past events. I know it will take time for you to believe this, to accept it as truth, and I am willing to wait that time. You are worth that wait. I just hope that you return the same treatment to me... That you are always honest and true no matter what.

I give this to you, and not lightly. I give it with the deepest of true meaning, and I want you to know that. I'm not asking the world from you... far from that. I am asking you to just be you, and let us be us. No terms, limits, titles, rules, nothing. Just let things fall as they may. Don't be afraid to jump... I will be there to catch you.

New Beginnings

It's not everyday you happen upon a second chance, or a new beginning. Sometimes, things just happen to fall in your lap at the most odd moment.

It always sucks when you lose something or someone and you feel like it/they are gone forever. You wish you could have done things differently, wish things had transpired other than they did. Eventually you accept it and move on. Sometimes, you get to try again. Sometimes that thing or person comes back into your life, and you get the chance you didn't get before.

I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason. I know that everything has its purpose and its time, and you just have to wait to find it out. As much as you may hate waiting, may hate not knowing why, it will come to you with time and wisdom. Sometimes the time isn't right, or the situation is wrong. Sometimes things just aren't stable or cohesive enough. For whatever reason, things may leave us... but they can come back, at the right time, the right place.

I was recently granted a new beginning with someone I thought was lost to me. It hurt me to lose them, and I did ask why it happened, and received no answers. Time passed, and I moved on. Fast forward to 2 weeks ago. I, out of the blue, contact that person and we begin to talk again. We have both changed, matured, grown up. We have so much more in common, and our feelings are different this time. We realize that we have something great, and while we regret that it did not come earlier, we both know it came at the right time. It was a new beginning between the two of us, and I could not be happier.

She has made me a better man and I hope I have made her the better as well. Why did she come back into my life? I don't know. I am not going to question it though. I'm going to let things happen as they may, and just ride the tide.

The brooding, slightly unhappy, melancholy, mopey Ian has gone away. I have a lightness about me now, and it is thanks to this newest of beginnings.

The moral of this story is simple. Things can change in a heartbeat, and you have to always be ready. What you think was gone may come back again, when the timing is perfect. Don't lose hope for the things that seem impossible or unreachable. Know that there is always that chance that you can have what you can only hope and dream for.

I dreamt of having someone in my life that makes me happy and cares about me. I have that now. So always keep hope in your heart, and smile, because you never know when the sun will shine on you again and give you a new beginning.

Monday, August 6, 2007

Grand Theft Blog Survey

I stole this from someone... They shall remain anonymous....

A - Available? Not in the slightest

B - Best Friend(s) - Derreck, Bryan, Ronnie, Vince, and my SEEESTUR

C - Crush - Alice

D - Dad's Name - Russell

E - Easiest Person To Talk To - My friends... all of em, thats why they are my friends, dur.

F - Favorite Band(s)- Linkin Park and the Eagles

G - Gummy Bears Or Worms- Trolli Brite Crawlers Biznatch!

H - Hometown - Dallas aka D-Town aka DTX

I - Instrument - I cant play any but I'd go with guitar fo sho

J - Job - tech salesman at the moment... and interning sports writer/photographer

K - Kids - none

L - Longest Car Ride - Car ride, LA to SF. Bus ride, Muskogee to Bumfuck Kentucky... yes it's a real place, right past middle of nowhere, and wherethefuckarewe.

M - Milk Flavor - chocolate

N - Number Of Siblings - 2 half, 2 step... no one full blooded. I broke the mold! ;)

O - One Wish - All encompassing happiness

P - Phobias - Clowns, spiders, and uncomfortable social situations

Q - Favorite Quote - "Jack in the Box... Enough Said." - Alice

R - Reason To Smile - Family and Friends, along with other various moments in time

S - Song You Last Heard? - Your Song- Elton John

T - Time You Woke Up - 9ish

U - Unknown Fact About Me - If I told it wouldn't be unknown now would it?

V - Vegetable - Favorite: POTATOES. Im irish, gimme a break....

W - Worst Habits - Lack of trust in most people, procrastination, and being overly critical.

X - X-Rays You've Had - Um.... I'm pretty sure I glow in the dark from the number of X-rays I've had.

Y - Your Favorite Food - Pizza, potatoes, and beef

Z - Zodiac Sign - Scorpio

Spider Pig

Spider Pig... Spider Pig...
Does whatever a Spider Pig does...
Can he swing from a web?
No he can't...
He's a Pig...
Watch out...
He is the Spider Pig...

A Poem for YOU

It's not award winning material, but it is short, sweet, and to the point. Enjoy.

The shine in your eyes,
brings a smile to my face,
and the sound of your laugh,
touches me deep in a very special place.

I think of you and find my self happy,
Of your touch that sets fire in my chest,
Your presence that lightens my day,
And your presence that brings out my very best.

With you, I have come forth from a cold dreary world,
to a place in which my joy can be unfurled.

I'm a man who believes in the depth of true emotion,
and to the ever present feel of true devotion.

You have made a new man of me in this time,
And have even made me begin to speak in rhyme.

So thank you, for all that you do,
And for most simply, just being you.

Happiness has found a home in my heart
And its the thing I've wished for from the very start.

Friday, August 3, 2007

Guess What...

I found a good one...