Freedom

I feel so free now. I dunno what it is, but something has changed in the past few days. I was down, non-social, bottled up. Now I am outgoing, having a good time, and feeling really good.

I feel great, and I am excited to feel this way again. It's been a while since I felt this good. It's actually kind of weird, because it seemed like I would never get out of the funk I was in, but now the skies are clear and the road is open and wide.

On top of it all, I feel like I don't have to please anyone but myself. All I have to do is make sure I am happy and not worry about other people.

Some may call it selfish, but I think it's time I focus on me for a bit. Anyways, thanks to those who shot me encouraging words and made sure I was alright.

I am lucky to be where I am at and to do what I am doing. I am working for and defending the greatest country in the world, and I am proud to be a U.S. Navy Sailor! It's about time I acted like I was enjoying myself!

Here's the lyrics that I am feeling at the moment... Bryan Adam's Open Road

i'm sitting at the wheel
i got a green light
not afraid of nothin' cuz heart and soul
i'm built for life

so let the engine roar
push the pedal down
i want the white lines on the highway
to lead me out of town

chorus:
i'm rolling on and on and on
who knows where i'm goin'?
life is an open road - it's the best story never told
it's an endless sky it's the deepest sea
life is an open road to me
life is an open road to me

i got headlights
to guide me through the night
i got the window down and the radio playing
it makes me feel alive

chorus

Yeah life's an open road

life is an open road - it's the best story never told
it's an endless sky it's the deepest sea
life is an open road to me
life is an open road to me

Yeah life's and open road

Yeah and I'm built for life

Life is an open road to me


~Ian

Goodbye

I lost a friend today.

It was my fault.

Was it worth it?

No.

I hope I can get them back, but I am not holding my breath.

Moving on now...

A quandary...

Ever wanted to tell somebody something but you could never bring yourself to tell them?

Even when you thought about the moment when you would tell them, tried to figure out every reaction that they could have, when the time came, it simply never came out?

You get that empty feeling in your stomach, like a pit sucking you down, and you know the only way for it to go away is to let out that thing you are holding on to...

Yet you can't, and it kills you...

What do you do?

Head in the clouds

I guess with being in boot camp for 2 months, the simplicity allowed me to sort things out a little bit and get my head on straight.

With all that's going on these days (school, duty, training, etc.) my heads coming unscrewed again. I guess you could say I am spacing out a little and feel all out of sorts.

My mind goes places when I should be focusing and I think about things I really shouldn't be worrying about. It's not that its distracting me or affecting my training, it's just starting to drive me a little nuts.

Anyone who knows me, knows I over-analyze EVERYTHING, especially given the time to think about it. Its a bad habit, kind of like smoking is for some people, one that gives me health problems and will probably shorten my life but I just can't stop.

I find that when I am thoroughly distracted, have something to focus on, or am so busy I can't think is when I can control it. Unfortunately for me, I tend to have a decent amount of down time, or I am engaged in a mindless activity that allows my mind to wander, leading me to unknown (or too well known) places.

I wish I could shut those thoughts out, or just resolve them, but I can't ever seem to, especially when it involves things I deal with on a daily basis. Most of the time I worry about the things I have no control over, which I know is ludicrous, but I can't help it... I'm a control freak, and when it feels like I don't have control over something, I hate it.

I dunno what to do about it really, except try to just realize that if I can change it, to do so, if not, don't worry about it.

"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

Like I said before, it doesn't effect anything I am doing, but I certainly don't want it to get to that point. I guess I will just have to deal with having my head in the clouds from time to time, even if it is a severe thunderstorm up there.

In other news, I started Apprentice Technical Training (ATT) classes on Tuesday, and so far so good. It's all self paced computer training, so I should be done with it by the 13th of June, but I will still be stuck at Great Lakes due to being on Dental Hold, because they are taking forever to get all my dental work done.

It's a pain in the ass, but hey, at least I have a great friend to hang out with, stuff to do, and full liberty privileges... So I should be OK with being here a few extra days, even if I have sun, sand, and beautiful women waiting for me in Pensacola.

So anyways, I think that about wraps it up. I hope that everyone out there is doing well, and I hope I can see those I love and miss again soon.

"May the road rise up to meet you.
May the wind always be at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
and rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of His hand." -Irish Blessing

~Ian

Friends

True friends are hard to come by these days. I've met a lot of people, been quite a few places, and through it all, I have met very few people I would consider my friends. In fact, I can count them on one hand.

Some people have lots of friends. Some people feel the need to surround themselves with lots of people and be socially superior and popular. I don't feel that need. In fact, the less people I involve myself with, the better.

I have trust issues. There are only a few people who have earned my trust and managed to keep it for longer than a month or so. Once you lose my trust, it's damn near impossible to get it back. I'm not saying that it's never happened, but it is rare, and I can't think of any specific occasion that it happened.

Now some may think I'm some kind of elitist when it comes to my friends, but a small circle of friends is just how my family has always been. We just don't feel the need to be social butterflies, but are happy with having a few friends. We're picky, and being picky works for us.

Now I went through all that to get to the point of this post. My friends (along with my family) are my rock. They keep me grounded, pick me up when I am down, help me when I need it, support me in whatever I do, and most of all, are there when I need them.

I have been through some rough times in the last few years, and without the friends I have, I would not have made it. They kept me going when I wanted to give up, or kept me on track when I started to wander. They kept me sane when everyone and everything was driving me nuts. Even though I don't see them more than a few times a year anymore... they are only a phone call away. I can't count the times when one of my friends called me up randomly to talk about stuff or I did the same to one of them. It's rare to have that kind of true relationship with someone, especially after several years. I've known two of my best friends for over 10 years, one for 5, and one for 4. And the coolest thing is that we always seem to know when something is up with the other, and just seem to be connected on a level that goes beyond friendship.

I recently found another friend (in a rather unexpected place and person) who it feels like I have known for years instead of months. What's great is that she and I can talk about anything and everything and I can trust her with anything (which if you know me, is something that is hard to come by). It usually takes forever for me to really trust someone and be able to let them inside my head, but she found a way in, and seems to be taking up residence. It will suck when I have to leave Great Lakes for Pensacola, because who knows the next time I will see her after that. (She is Navy as well, and its a big Fleet and the odds of seeing someone you went to Basic or A School with is rare.) Luckily we will still be able to keep in contact, and seeing as I never see my other friends either, it will be just like old times!

I'm lucky to have the friends I do, and to be able to say I have true friends that are like my family. Scratch that, ARE my family. I would not be who I am or where I am with out them. They keep me going, and I thank my lucky stars for them everyday. You make me smile and laugh, listen when I need it, talk when I need it, and are there whenever I need a friend to lean on.

Thank you guys (and gal) for everything. It means more to me than you know.

~Ian

AR Townsend coming to you live from Naval Training Station Great Lakes!

Hey guys, how ya been? It's been a LONG time since I've written, and for the uninformed, the reason is that I have spent the last 2 months in Basic Training for the U.S. Navy. On March 3rd I left a civilian, and on May 2nd I officially became a U.S. Navy Sailor.

It was a long tough 2 months, but at the same time it was a life changing experience, and really wasn't what I was expecting. I enjoyed watching myself become a whole new person, but still remaining the person I already was. I am very happy with my decisions and am glad to be where I am at... unlike where I was around 3 months ago.

Anyways, I am currently at Naval Training Station Great Lakes in Great Lakes, IL. for around 2 months for school, then I transfer to Pensacola, FL for the rest of my training. From there... I have no idea where I will be heading, but it will be an Adventure where ever I go. (I won't be heading to the Middle East so don't you worry about that.)

I will be writing more often as soon as I get settled in and I figure out what stories I can and cannot share with the world. So thank you to those who kept me in your thoughts and have supported me from day one.

~Ian Townsend, AR, USN