Sunday, May 3, 2009


I live everyday questioning things. It's my nature. It gets me in trouble sometimes because I ask questions at the wrong time, I ask the wrong questions, or my thirst for knowledge and understanding simply upsets someone.

That being said, I find myself asking questions and getting no answers. I try to figure things out and come up empty. I feel my purpose and drive in life slipping from my grasp because I feel like I cannot find the reason behind things.

I feel alone too. All around me, people are in relationships, getting married, and having kids... and I'm serially single. I can't hold down a relationship to save my life. I'm sure that it is as much my doing as anything else. I just can't get in a groove without either being tossed out of it or driving myself out of it.

I can't say I am miserable over it. I know that I'm young and i have time... but is it wrong for me to wish to be involved with someone? Is it wrong to want to give affection and get it back? Is it a fault to give everything for someone and want to get the same in return?

See... there I go again with questions...

It feels like I am going through the motions these days. I can't seem to fill the space with anything worthwhile. I just feel so empty and void of anything that makes me more than content.

I don't want anyone to think I hate my life or am being all depressed. I'm not. I know I have plenty going for me, and have a good life. I have more than many, and I am grateful for that, believe me. That being said, I just want more. I want to feel like my life has a purpose, that I am making a difference in the world and in someone's life. I want to feel like someone cares about me, and thinks about me. I want simple things... simple things that are so complicated.


I'm tired of being melancholy and melodramatic. I just want plain simple happiness that I see around me everyday. I see the world moving around me, and I feel stuck in place.

I am about to move my life across the country for, at the very least, the next 3 1/2 years, and I don't know how to feel about it. I want to be excited, but I can't. I want to be sad about leaving Texas again, but nothing. I want to feel anything besides the way I do now... like nothing is there.

I'd love to escape into the fantasy world inside my head, where all is well and wonderful, but I wake up everyday to the same existence. I feel like all I do is exist... and that is driving me insane.

Fuck. I want to feel important, needed, loved, hated, liked, despised, worthwhile, necessary, etc. I just want to feel.

Is that so much to ask?

Apparently so.

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